But Does Ann Have an Adam's Apple?

I'm often asked "Hubert, what sort of gifts do you give people you don't like?"

Actually, I'm not often asked that. In fact, any time a spokesperson says, "People often ask me" or some iteration of that, in all likelihood they have rarely, if ever, been asked that question. So to be honest, people often ask me what time it is, if the subway train is express or local, and why I have an apple on my face.

But if I were asked what sort of gift I'd give people I don't like, I'd say this year's hot contenders are the talking Dr. Laura action figure and the talking Ann Coulter action figure. Yes, 12 inches of stupid, 24 inches if you buy the pair.

Coal in the stocking? Pshaw. Welcome to the project for a new American 21st century. Personally, I'm waiting for a Michelle Malkin figure with Manzanar grip.

I’m Not Saying Someone Should Get Me One, But...
However, if there are people you like who are into pop art, pop culture, and graffiti and you've got a couple hundred to spend, you can always get these really cool figures by Michael Leavitt (Jim Jarmusch figure pictured). Sadly most are sold out, though they can be reordered and duplicated and even customized. Yes, if you have the money, you can commission a custom poseable figure, perhaps a bow-legged Elvis Costello, Stephen Colbert fighting him a bear, a nervous looking David Sedaris, or a winged Jonathan Pryce from Terry Gilliam's classic Brazil. Then again, maybe just Gilliam himself in the guise of Don Quixote would be pretty sharp looking on a shelf.